Helping overcome shyness!

There are many strategies and ways that can be used to help children overcome this problem. The strategy may work but this depends on the child himself. Some children may benefit while others may need many more strategies to be applied.

1. Tell the children about times when you acted bashful. Once shy children start feeling bad about being shy, they may become less confident and start having a lower self-esteem. Parents can help in this case by revealing the times when they acted shy themselves (Zimbardo, 1981, p.166). since a child sees parents as strong and powerful they may feel better about their own shy behavior. Parents then should talk about how they became more sociable for the child to have a powerful model to follow. No one is telling them to do anything, so this way might be effective. The parents are just describing what they did that worked.

2. Explain to the children how they will benefit from acting outgoing. The most convincing way for parents to tell children the value of acting outgoing is by giving personal examples, if a child sees that this behavior is beneficial he will consider changing. e.g., "To become a teacher I had to overcome my shyness because teaching requires a person to talk to new people almost every day." The parents can then explain the benefits of becoming more outgoing like making new friends, having more fun, and enjoying school.

3. Show empathy when the children feel afraid to interact. One way to help children begin to control their fear is to show understanding and empathy when they feel afraid. Parents should show that they care and know what the child is going through. So, if a child refuses out of shyness to go out on a field for soccer practice, a parent might say, "I get the sense you feel worried about going out there. I feel worried sometimes too - when I'm not sure what to do and other people are watching me." By saying a parent helps the child feel understood while at the same time allowing the child to recognize and discover his or her emotions and start finding a way to control them.

4. Prevent labeling of the children as "shy." Sometimes parents sometimes say in front of others that their child is shy. This of course is a big mistake! Children who are told that they are shy start thinking of themselves as shy and do not make any effort to change. Parents should not say anything negative about their child in front of him. Instead of a parents saying that “oh the child is shy"! Parents instead should explain in a positive way and instead say that the child sometimes takes a while to warm up. Parents instead should prompt the child to speak. If that fails, they should just go on with the conversation.

5. Set goals for more outgoing behavior and measure progress. Goal setting according to research improves performance Locke, 1996). The most useful goals are those that are measurable and challenging yet realistic and sensible, and are set with the involvement of the child, for example, letting the child to say at least one word to one new person every day. Other goals could include speaking in front of a whole class, playing with another child, or asking a teacher a question. This could be done by posting a chart at home that shows a star or a smile for each day the child achieved the goal.

6. Set a model of outgoing behavior. Children learn a lot by observing their parents and other people (Bandura, 1984). Children will want to do what a parent does. Parents who never invite anyone, or phone anyone or speak to strangers may tend to have shy or nonsocial children. Parents who want their children to act more outgoing should in turn act outgoing in front of the children. They must talk with children that are the age of your child and join them in their games. If the child doesn’t accept to play and join in, then it is ok because the parents by joining in is actually setting a model that makes the kids usually respond well. By doing this, parents are showing their children how to interact with others. If the child becomes embarrassed, the parent should show empathy and end the interaction. But by repeating this from time to time, this will gradually increase the lengths of the interactions over a course of days or weeks.

7. Prompt the children to interact with others. Prompt shy children to speak, join, or interact with others whenever there is any chance that the children will do so. Specific suggestions work best e.g., "Tell her your name is Margaret" or "say good-bye." If the child won't say anything to a person, try making the child to wave hello or good-bye. This is a step in the right direction. Another way is for the parent to speak to another child, and afterwards asking the child what he or she thinks about something related to the conversation. For example: Parent to unfamiliar child: "I like your Elmo shoes." Parent to own child: "Do you like them?” however, it must be noted that the parent shouldn’t push too hard and realize that the child will show improvement some days and not others.

8. Reward the children for outgoing behavior. Expected rewards can motivate a shy child (Bandura, 1986, p. 229). Whenever a shy child acts outgoing, congratulate the child, even if it is just a slight improvement. If the child achieves a set daily goal for acting outgoing, praise the child and celebrate with some special food or sticker. The parents should tell the children in advance what the special treat will be for acting sociable.

9. Read books with the children about individuals who overcome shyness or fears

10. Teach the children to identify and to verbally express their emotions. Shy children can control their feelings of shyness when the children talk about the feelings. To do this, a parent should in turn talk about their emotions in front of the children. For instance, say, “I feel scared when you climb up there" or "I feel sad when I think about homeless children." Also parents should congratulate their children when they talk about their emotions. (Malouff & Schutte, 1998).

Parents should contact a guidance counselor at their child’s school or consult a psychologist if these strategies do not work. To find a highly skilled psychologist, parents should seek advice from their pediatrician or call local universities and ask if the university has any psychology professors to provide any counseling for shy children. Psychologists have other procedures that might not mentioned above, such as videotaping the child speaking at school (e.g. with only one parent present) and allowing the child to see the tape everyday for a certain period. Some physicians might prescribe Prozac for severe cases known as social anxiety disorder, but of course medication should be the last option. Whatever the causes of shyness is, this kind of behavior must not ignored by parents. Shyness can be very painful for a child to live with, and it can have negative effects on other aspects of a child's life.